I’m still not sure what I’m doing with this space, or my other space, or with blogging in general. All I know, is that right now, I just need to write. I need to get these words out of my head. They might not make sense to you. Hell, they might not even make sense to me. But I need to get them out. So here I am.
Last night I spat some shit on the interwebs that I had full intention of keeping private:
“I’m mad enough today to say it out loud. This whole adjusting to being off birth control & not getting pregnant thing is complete horse shit.”
Yes, I’m pissed off about this whole baby-making process. It makes me angry, and I kept it bottled for too long, and out it came. I know I need to be patient, that it happens differently for everyone, and sometimes not at all. (I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind off of that, because we’re definitely not even close to worrying about that yet.) The fact is, we’re not very far along in trying, but I’m frustrated. Not just because I’m not pregnant yet, but because my body isn’t functioning correctly post-birth control. It’s scary and maybe I’m just mad because I don’t want to be afraid. I do that sometimes.
I’ve talked to all the right people, and everyone seems to be confident that it’s just my body adjusting, and that it will take some time, that it’s nothing to be worried about, that I just need to be patient. I’m actually really good at this, surprisingly. I’m truly okay waiting as long as it takes, because our life is perfect right now, and a baby would just be an added bonus. I go days without worrying, but then something doesn’t feel right, and I freak out. And that’s what happened last night, and I just couldn’t take the back and forth limbo shit anymore. No one is going to be able to convince me that I’m fine until I’m really fine, but in the meantime, I just needed someone to say something to make me feel better about it. And a few people did, and I still cried myself to sleep, but not nearly as hard as I had been crying earlier. Putting it out there sucked. I hate being negative like that, but it helped, so I don’t feel bad about it.
I’ll be okay, I know that, I’m just feeling all of the feelings right now, and needed to get it out.
Edited to add: Exactly 2 minutes after I wrote this post, I opened up Feedly and read this: http://www.lifelessbullshit.com/speak-your-truth. Now I really don’t feel bad about putting this out there. Thanks Nicole!