Learning to Breathe…

Last week was a tough one. I received some bad news and for the first time in two years, I didn’t have Justin there to bury my face in and wipe away my tears. It was in that moment that this whole move felt real.

Remember back when I was listing the positive things that happened in 2009? They included:

after barely speaking for the last 7 years, my dad and i finally sat down and hashed it out. we said everything that needed to be said, even if we knew it would hurt. we said everything that we were angry about, and instead of arguing about feelings, we finally got to a point where we both understood where the other person was coming from. we’re not quite back to the way we used to be, but we’re getting there, and it feels good.

I was so excited to be in the same city, and on good terms with my dad for the first time in over 10 years. I was looking forward to seeing him more often. I couldn’t wait for the opportunity to rebuild our relationship and really get to know each other again. I was only home for a week when he broke the news to me. He was going to Dallas, TX for a job interview. Four days later, he texted me from the airport to say he’s taking the job, and it starts February 15^th.

I can’t hold this against him, and truly, I don’t at all. I had to choose time apart from Justin in order to accept a job opportunity that finally put my life on course. That’s all my dad’s doing, and I’m happy for him. I know this is what’s best for him, not just as a career choice, but for his health as well. His arthritis will be so much easier to handle in the warm weather. I know the company is offering him something he would be stupid to refuse. But knowing all of this doesn’t make it any easier.

It kills me to think of how close we were to mending the past, and now we won’t get the chance. Sure, we’ll talk once a week, and maybe see each other every couple of months, but we’ll never get the time to really work on things. I’ve realized over the past three years while living in Pittsburgh, that when you only speak once a week, you don’t waste that time talking about what really matters. Instead you’re just filling each other in on whatever has happened since the last time you talked.

Last night I spent some one-on-one time with my dad before meeting up with my bother. It’s going to be really hard to say goodbye to him in two weeks, but this is something I have to deal with. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to go through anything without Justin by my side every moment of the way, and I’ve never been very good at dealing with emotional stuff on my own.

I guess it’s time to learn how to stand on my own two feet again. I knew moving would mean this would happen eventually, I just didn’t realize it would be so soon.